Forum Biechthoekje

Relationship problems

9 replies

Cindy
I'm stuck with something really unpleasant.

Replies

  1. Cindy started this #2

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years. I already have a child from my previous relationship, he's 4 years old. A really sweet little one with quite a personality, I'd say. I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant. I was really convinced he was the man of my life, but now I'm starting to doubt that because I have a very strong feeling that he doesn't easily accept my son. I feel it and I see it in the way he interacts with him. He hardly ever plays with him. And when he does talk to him, it's mostly to point out his son's mistakes, and he doesn't let the child just be a child, which really bothers me. As a mother, the happiness of my children comes before my own happiness. Does anyone have advice on this? I've already talked to my boyfriend, but he acts like there's nothing wrong at all. While I'm witnessing it happening and my friends have already brought it up to me, so I'm the only one who doesn't think this way. He also let me know that I shouldn't be mad if he favors his own child over my son. That really didn't sit well with me, and I didn't react because I was stunned. What should I do? Are my feelings justified?

  2. Raisa #3

    Tough cases... I'd have a chat with your partner/husband to discuss what feelings this brings up for you.

  3. skullie #4

    I’d also have a good chat with your partner; blended families always take some getting used to for both partners. I have a 13-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. My partner’s son is 5. We’ve had lots of discussions about it. I raised my kids very differently from how he raised his son. I encouraged my kids to become independent early on, let them dress themselves, etc., taught them they don’t always get their way, and to be polite to others. His son is allowed to do whatever he wants, always gets his way, goes to bed late, eats whatever he likes... The issue for us is that I treat his son like my own, so I’m stricter than he is. I think it’s important that kids know from a young age what’s allowed and what isn’t. He often thinks I don’t accept his son because of this, which isn’t true at all. And his son knows he can often get his way with his dad even if I say no, which often leads to arguments between my partner and me. I’ve already explained to my kids that they should try not to mind if his son gets his way sometimes, to keep the peace. Because they don’t find it fair that his son always gets his way. Well, it’s not always easy then. We’re now trying for a baby together, hopefully it works out given my age. Even though blended families aren’t always easy, we really enjoy being together.

  4. MamaN #5

    Hey sweetie,

    This is supposedly anonymous, but since we're friends on Brabbels, I just see that you opened it... so they can do something about it too.

    But anyway, it's really annoying that you feel this way. Did this start when you got pregnant, or did he already act like this towards your son before? It can go both ways, of course. I kind of understand that he feels like the baby in your belly is really his child, and maybe he's unconsciously pushing it a bit. But making such a comment to you is just rude, because they're both your kids and they mean everything to you. Or maybe, on the other hand, you feel this way because you're pregnant and you're noticing things now, partly due to hormones. It could also be that he's only showing these things now because you're pregnant with his child.

    Anyway, I think it definitely won't hurt to express these feelings to him. Who knows, maybe he's not even aware of it and doesn't realize how he's behaving or, at least, how it comes across to you. Or maybe there's more going on and he needs to work on it, because your son can't do anything about it and doesn't deserve unequal treatment.

    Good luck, sweetie

  5. Cindy started this #6

    Thanks! Yes, I meant it anonymously, but hihi the bomb has already exploded at home and we had a good talk about it. It boiled down to him not realizing this and promising to pay attention. I also told him I don't want him to treat my son any differently than his own child. I made it clear that these are my two children and I'll love them equally, putting their happiness above my own. He understands, but I hope he sticks to it because my feelings are weakening on my end. And I'm the type of person where once it's gone, it's effectively gone. I'd really like to avoid that. We'll see how it goes; this was already an issue before I was pregnant, but I thought it would get better. I do understand that it takes time for him to get used to having a baby suddenly. But if I don't see improvement, I don't want to be caught between two fires, and I'll always choose my children without hesitation.

  6. MamaN #7

    Yeah, I get that! That’s what any (normal) mom would do. I hope he really does it unconsciously and is now being so careful that, even if he might have other feelings towards his own child, he hides it so well that your son—and preferably you—don’t notice it. It’s sad if your son suffers from this because he can’t do anything about it at all. Your partner needs to work on that. Just think it might take some time.

  7. Cindy started this #8

    I hope for the best! We'll see how it goes. Too bad you can't see into the future, huh!

  8. MamaN #9

    Pfff yeah, tell me what

  9. Moeder Guest #10

    Your feelings are often right. You're not crazy. Your friends see it too. I had an ex myself who didn't treat my child (from another father) well. We had conversations just like yours. Yes, he didn't mean it like that, etc. Then things were okay for a while. Until we had a baby. He fell back into his old pattern.
    When the little one was 8 months old, I ended it. Luckily, because the oldest had become terrified of him. I'll spare you the details.
    I don't mean to say that's exactly how it'll go for you. But don't ignore your own feelings. If they keep sticking to their pattern, then indeed choose your children.

    Good luck, girl

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