Baby wish
No second?
Anoniem
Hi everyone,
There’s something weighing heavily on my heart that I can’t tell anyone. I hope I can share my story with you all and maybe get some support or tips on how to handle my situation. My partner and I have been together for 8.5 years. I’m 28 and he’s 37. Together we have a 2-year-old daughter, and my partner has a 13-year-old son from a previous relationship.
Almost 3 years ago, I posted on a forum about a terrible situation I was in back then. My partner and I had been together for 6 years, and I had already stopped the pill for a few months. Not necessarily to get pregnant, but we’d see what would happen. On April 1st he told me (no, it wasn’t an April Fools’ joke) that he didn’t want any more children. It hit me like a ton of bricks; I had never heard him say that before. So what happened next… I missed my period, and my partner immediately said, “I’ll get a test, you’re pregnant.” On April 14th I took a test, and sure enough! I was pregnant. I couldn’t enjoy it because I knew my partner didn’t want another child. My heart was broken. I couldn’t work anymore… After a day or two, I had a good talk with my partner and clearly told him that his life wouldn’t end if we kept the baby. Fortunately, he came around, and I could finally start enjoying it. Well, sort of… I had terrible morning sickness and couldn’t keep anything down. The housework was also a disaster, and I was on sick leave for a long time.
Eventually, we had a beautiful daughter, and oh, how he fell in love with her. Coincidentally, around the time of my pregnancy, a very good friend of my partner was in a situation where she wanted a second child, but he didn’t. That couple broke up partly for that reason. My partner (still on a cloud nine) then said that if this happened to us, he would want a second child (from me).
Now, two years later, we’ve moved to a bigger house with a garden. My daughter is almost 2.5, and I’m starting to feel the urge for a second child. On the other hand, I’m trying hard to suppress those feelings because I know my partner doesn’t want a second one. The other week, I brought it up again, and I got the same hard answer: NO, I don’t want another child. NEVER! I couldn’t hold it in anymore and burst into tears, after which he left the house upset. Then I sent him a message: “Darling, I know we disagree, but I think we should be able to talk about this. If we don’t have a second child, that’s something I’ll have to learn to live with… Don’t you understand? Just saying a hard no and not giving me the chance to express my feelings just hurts.”
He actually felt he shouldn’t have reacted that way. We’re happy, and we have a beautiful daughter… He also says we don’t have the money for it right now. That’s true, but in a year, we’ll have paid off the remaining mortgage on our old house, and €550 per month will be free… So I don’t think that argument holds. Besides, he’s always been very much about his freedom, which I always give him.
So it remains incomprehensible to me why he doesn’t want another child. I just can’t accept it. What hurts me the most is the idea of denying my daughter the unconditional feeling of having a brother or sister. I have one myself, and how much unconditional love I received. Always the feeling that someone was there for me, no matter what. My partner never had that, and my daughter will never get it. My partner’s older son doesn’t even look at our daughter, and I’m afraid they’ll never bond. My daughter will always be alone…
Gosh, I never thought I’d feel this way when I was younger. I always wanted two children, like my parents. Is it because of our age difference (9 years)? I don
There’s something weighing heavily on my heart that I can’t tell anyone. I hope I can share my story with you all and maybe get some support or tips on how to handle my situation. My partner and I have been together for 8.5 years. I’m 28 and he’s 37. Together we have a 2-year-old daughter, and my partner has a 13-year-old son from a previous relationship.
Almost 3 years ago, I posted on a forum about a terrible situation I was in back then. My partner and I had been together for 6 years, and I had already stopped the pill for a few months. Not necessarily to get pregnant, but we’d see what would happen. On April 1st he told me (no, it wasn’t an April Fools’ joke) that he didn’t want any more children. It hit me like a ton of bricks; I had never heard him say that before. So what happened next… I missed my period, and my partner immediately said, “I’ll get a test, you’re pregnant.” On April 14th I took a test, and sure enough! I was pregnant. I couldn’t enjoy it because I knew my partner didn’t want another child. My heart was broken. I couldn’t work anymore… After a day or two, I had a good talk with my partner and clearly told him that his life wouldn’t end if we kept the baby. Fortunately, he came around, and I could finally start enjoying it. Well, sort of… I had terrible morning sickness and couldn’t keep anything down. The housework was also a disaster, and I was on sick leave for a long time.
Eventually, we had a beautiful daughter, and oh, how he fell in love with her. Coincidentally, around the time of my pregnancy, a very good friend of my partner was in a situation where she wanted a second child, but he didn’t. That couple broke up partly for that reason. My partner (still on a cloud nine) then said that if this happened to us, he would want a second child (from me).
Now, two years later, we’ve moved to a bigger house with a garden. My daughter is almost 2.5, and I’m starting to feel the urge for a second child. On the other hand, I’m trying hard to suppress those feelings because I know my partner doesn’t want a second one. The other week, I brought it up again, and I got the same hard answer: NO, I don’t want another child. NEVER! I couldn’t hold it in anymore and burst into tears, after which he left the house upset. Then I sent him a message: “Darling, I know we disagree, but I think we should be able to talk about this. If we don’t have a second child, that’s something I’ll have to learn to live with… Don’t you understand? Just saying a hard no and not giving me the chance to express my feelings just hurts.”
He actually felt he shouldn’t have reacted that way. We’re happy, and we have a beautiful daughter… He also says we don’t have the money for it right now. That’s true, but in a year, we’ll have paid off the remaining mortgage on our old house, and €550 per month will be free… So I don’t think that argument holds. Besides, he’s always been very much about his freedom, which I always give him.
So it remains incomprehensible to me why he doesn’t want another child. I just can’t accept it. What hurts me the most is the idea of denying my daughter the unconditional feeling of having a brother or sister. I have one myself, and how much unconditional love I received. Always the feeling that someone was there for me, no matter what. My partner never had that, and my daughter will never get it. My partner’s older son doesn’t even look at our daughter, and I’m afraid they’ll never bond. My daughter will always be alone…
Gosh, I never thought I’d feel this way when I was younger. I always wanted two children, like my parents. Is it because of our age difference (9 years)? I don
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
I think you two should have a good talk with each other. Maybe even with a mediator or something. I feel like there’s more going on than just whether to have a second child or not. When was the last time you had a real conversation where you actually paid attention to each other? Make sure you don’t end up living parallel lives instead of together. -
Anoniem started this #3
Thanks for your clear message. Gosh, I do think there might be more going on, but it's so hard to figure out what.... Yeah, and a good conversation? Attention for each other? ???? Haven't had that in a long time... It's sometimes so hard to make time for each other. -
Anonymous Guest #4
See if you can find a babysitter for an evening for your daughter and go out together. That's definitely a start, and try to look from there together at what is needed to come back together. Strength and success if you both go for it, then it will definitely work out between you two. -
Linda2014 #5
Personally, I think working on your relationship right now really does take priority over having a second baby.
It sounds incredibly tough, and I totally get that you're struggling with this. But I also understand why he doesn't want two kids if you're already struggling to make time for each other and there might not be much spark left in your relationship. That's what you should focus on first. It would be such a shame if a second child came along and ended up costing you the relationship (which you hear a lot about when one partner isn't really on board anyway).
I'd start by arranging babysitting and doing fun things together again. Have good conversations during dinner, for example. Share your insecurities, and maybe he'll open up too.
After a while, once you notice more openness, understanding, and just more fun between you two, you could bring up the topic again!
Good luck with it, and it's good that you got your feelings out. It's not easy at all!
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