Forum Baby wish

First baby... who can relate to this?

8 replies

PoekieGuest ·
Hi to all the future moms, or maybe already moms (and dads!)

I wanted to bring up a topic about a desire for a child that I struggle to talk about with others. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life, and I wish I could have been one at a younger age. It didn't work out that way, and now I'm 32. I think now is a good time for me to take the leap (my studies are almost done, moving to a new house, a nice relationship, and two dogs ;-) we've had practice with caring and responsibility ;-)). I find myself often reading articles about parenting or babies, and I regularly stroll through the baby section of the HEMA, wanting to buy everything as if I already had nesting instincts (it must be my ovaries), and I try to learn as much as possible to prepare myself well.

Yet I notice that I find it super nerve-wracking and worry a lot. I'm a very insecure person and find it hard to believe that I can do this, that I can be a mom. I have no idea how it feels or what it will be like, not even getting pregnant. It's a strange thought to have a round belly or to prepare for a baby. I keep thinking, will I love my baby? Can I really enjoy a pregnancy and what does that feel like? What if I don't feel anything? And because I'm insecure, I'll definitely get postpartum depression. You read about it a lot, these peak thoughts sometimes overshadow the longing, which makes me sad again. This morning I really burst into tears because I feel so bad for myself. I'd so like to enjoy this step in my life and have full confidence in myself.

My boyfriend and I have decided to go for it in the spring (if I dare, because I'm afraid I'll be too insecure by then) and hope it's meant to be for us. Because I find it so nerve-wracking, I thought I'd post this here. Maybe some women recognize this and I can learn from that that I'm not the only one, and that it's not just a pink cloud, but also a cloud that can bring up the necessary fears and insecurities. I hope to find more self-confidence through this and to dare to go for it because I'll trust myself more.

Replies

  1. Zonnetje #2

    Hi Poekie,

    I think everyone finds it stressful and gets unsure about this. If you're already feeling so unsure, I can imagine it gets even worse in this situation. Wouldn't it be wise to discuss this with your GP and maybe ask for a referral to a psychologist who can help you with your insecurity and overthinking? I think it's good for the rest of your life too... It helped me! So why couldn't you and someone else could?! Try to look at things from a different angle every time you start overthinking... A psychologist has various exercises/therapies for that.

    Wishing you lots of success

  2. Ster #3

    dear little one,
    I completely understand and recognize your doubts. I’ve been a mom for 8 years now, and I can tell you that you will really love your baby, probably even from the moment you see a positive test.

    I can’t say if you’ll get postpartum depression (PPD), but even if you do, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. You probably already know all the symptoms because you’re already anxious about it. That’s why you might notice them quickly and take action—calling for help from your partner, parents, sister, friend, or other family members—and then it’s really over. My sister went through it; I had her little one for a few weeks, and he gradually went back to her. First on weekends, then when her husband was home, and during the week too. If it became too much for her, he’d stay another night with us. She just came to visit him whenever she wanted. She also arranged this with us herself. And she recognized the symptoms, so she could handle it well, and nothing bad happened.

    Will you become a good mom? Of course! And you grow into it—you don’t get it right away. Not in the toddler phase either luckily not, hehehehe.

    There are also baby clubs in almost every city where moms with their kids come together to share experiences and let the kids play with each other. They often hold themed mornings on all sorts of topics like nutrition, potty training, parenting, development, etc.

    I hope this helps. If you have more questions or just want to vent, I’m here for you.

  3. liesx #4

    I totally relate!! Pregnant with our first baby and the further along I get, the more doubts creep in. Right now, I’m actually dealing with a physically tough pregnancy that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Everything seems to be working against me, and my body is really letting me down. I’ve been on sick leave since week 14, and it’s hard to see a bright future anymore. That bond you’re supposed to start building now—I don’t really feel it, probably because I’m in so much pain every day.... Of course, I know things will be fine once our girl is finally here. But the fear that I won’t be able to handle it all is constantly haunting me.

  4. Ster #5

    liesx, that's so incredibly hard for you to be in so much pain. May I ask what exactly you have?

  5. Poekie started this #6

    Thanks for your lovely comments.

    Sunshine: thanks for your tip. I’ve already done a lot of work to feel more secure in life and with past help. I think I’m mainly looking for recognition so I can understand that I’m not the only one. I also notice among my pregnant friends that they find some aspects really difficult but talk little about it. It’s often the idea that it should all be fun, light, and easy. It is, but it seems like less attention is given to the harder side, and I’m also struggling with my own insecurities.

    I think it’s also about letting go of control and trusting that I can handle it no matter what. Thanks for your story too, and how incredibly loving you were for your sister. That must have been so difficult but also so loving. I haven’t really researched PD much and I don’t want to. I just have the thought that it would feel like the ultimate way to fail as a mother. I think my mind is searching for all reasons to prove that I couldn’t be a mother, which puts me in a rumination loop. This is such a step in life where you don’t know how it will go and you have to surrender to what comes. Some things you can do as a woman to feel better or prepare, and the rest is about trusting and experiencing. Well, if you’re insecure or like control, that’s tough I think and causes tension. Strength, and I’d gladly take you up on your offer to talk here. You’re a very experienced mother, you’ve already shown us the way so you know how it can be.

    LiesX, it’s so hard for you right now. I hope you can find some self-compassion in this period and I think it’s okay to feel this way. I don’t know exactly what you’ve got but it sounds really not easy and painful? Do you have support or people you can share this with? Your feelings and emotions? You’re also welcome to share your story with me (us).

    Yesterday I emailed a midwife for a consultation after discussing with my partner. Nowadays I read they also offer conversations for future parents. Maybe that would give new insights I thought. I’m curious if she’ll email back and if we can have a conversation with her in the new year.

  6. liesx #7

    Yes, of course. I have quite severe pelvic instability, and it keeps getting inflamed. I can walk, but not for long or too much. Also, I can’t lift much or anything heavy. I do have friends I can talk to about it, but I think I’ll mention at my next appointment with the GP that things aren’t going so well.

  7. liesx #8

    What do you mean by that ??????

  8. Faile #9

    Smart that you're going to talk to a midwife. I don't know if she or someone else can put you at ease. Often you know deep down how things are. But no one can remove your insecurities except yourself. That psychologist might also be a good idea to start working with.

    I found it really nerve-wracking too. I think that's true for every woman to a greater or lesser extent. But you know.. it's in your primal instincts. And if every woman can do it, why couldn't you?
    Besides, you're not alone in this, you have a good relationship as you write, and you also talk to your (in-)parents. They'll surely help you, especially if it doesn't work out at first (because yes, I'm not going to lie, there are sometimes quite tough days in between) but really.. you get so much back for it!
    So chin up, girl! Everything will be fine!

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