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Stepfather

17 replies

Iza
It could be jealousy. Is there a reason they don't feel comfortable around him? Is he very different in how he interacts with them compared to you?
If it really remains an issue, you could consider visiting a child psychologist to see if they have any tips. Good luck!!!

Replies

  1. Emma Guest #2

    Thank you so much, Iza, for your quick reply!
    I often try to talk to them about this, but they don’t want to when my partner is around—he finds it really upsetting but won’t talk to the boys himself. Maybe that could be useful. And yes, if that doesn’t help, maybe we’ll go to the child psychologist—I hadn’t thought of that yet. I’ll also ask the teachers tomorrow if they act differently there.
    Thanks again!

  2. Anke Guest #3

    Hi Emma, the kids are feeling like their spot is being taken over. They felt safe in the old setup, and now that’s changing. You need to make sure they understand they’re just as safe now as before—even safer.

    Talking to a professional about this is indeed a good idea.

  3. Olivia-Anna Beekman #4

    The fact that they're scared, I find alarming!
    Not daring to leave their room??
    And bedwetting always has a reason!!
    Adults (from my family's experience)
    still often do it because they experienced a trauma in their childhood.

    It could be jealousy, but I wouldn't take it lightly.
    It's good that you're responding early.
    Be on your guard!!

  4. Tineke #5

    Indeed, just like Olivia-Anna says, stay attentive – you never know if there’s something more going on...
    But it could indeed also just be jealousy. Suddenly a man in their and their mom's life is often not easy for kids.
    I experienced this too with my mom, her new partner, and his kids – they were already quite a bit older than your kids, but made my mom's arrival in the family a hell.
    I also had a hard time accepting my mom's new partner back then, and I was already 16. It's often hard to immediately accept that "strange" person. Anyway, this will take a lot of time.
    I think it's good that you also check in with the teachers.
    Maybe they can also talk to your kids or pay attention in class to different types of family compositions.
    And otherwise, indeed, visit a professional. Seems like nothing wrong with that!

    Good luck and hang in there, both of you!
    Hopefully, you'll have a nice happy new blended family soon.

  5. Emma Guest #6

    Thanks for your replies! Sorry for my late response, I went to bed early last night and was out all day today.
    Anke: That could indeed be true and it should also be safer, thanks for your reply!
    Olivia-Anna: Not being able to leave the room and bedwetting I also find quite alarming, I'll definitely pay more attention to it and maybe not leave them alone with each other. Thanks for your reply too!
    Tineke: Jealousy was also my first thought, he didn't just move in with us, we've known each other for over 10 years (started as friends) and have been together for 3 years. He's been living here for over 4 months now and it always went well with the boys and my partner, it only went wrong when he came to live here. And again, thanks for your reply!
    I also spoke with the teachers of both boys today. The youngest has changed a lot, which I strangely enough never heard anything about. He sometimes hits kids when he doesn't get something (a scooter, car, etc.). He never does this at home. The oldest has become quieter and gets angry quickly when he can't do something, and he often calls himself a loser at school, which shocks me a lot.
    Just to clarify, my boys are my everything, of course, and come before my partner

  6. Olivia-Anna #7

    It's nice that you say your kids come first. That's how I think a good mother should act, but reality is often different. It could also be an option (if you have the possibility) to see if it really has to do with your boyfriend, if he's going to live elsewhere for a while. Maybe the problems won't go away at all then, and the chance is small that it's really about your boyfriend.
    It must be frustrating for him too if he doesn't do anything that causes this, could something have happened with the boys at the same time he came to live with you??

  7. Emma Guest #8

    Olivia: Thanks for your reply again. I also feel that it’s right that you always put your kids first, and as you say, unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
    I had a good talk with the boys yesterday. The oldest wanted to explain why things were the way they were. I obviously can’t say everything, but I did need to worry, and I’m glad you helped me out. I kicked my partner out, and we’re splitting up anyway. After the weekend, I’ll see if the boys need someone to talk to (a friend or through youth care).
    Everything happened so quickly, luckily, and I really don’t know how to thank you enough. How long would it have gone on like that, or maybe gotten even worse?

  8. Iza started this #9

    That's so awful that your ex-boyfriend treated your kids (in whatever way) not well. Are you going to take steps or do you not want to go that far?
    I wish you lots of strength and I think it's very smart to find a professional person to help your kids process this experience. Good luck!!

  9. Olivia-Anna Beekman #10

    Oh Emma,
    That’s just terrible for you!!
    I have to say I immediately recognized the symptoms
    because of my close family (a trauma I was spared from)
    and it took many years for my mother to figure it out.
    There were 8 victims in my family, the consequences are overwhelming..

    It’s so good that you addressed it early!!
    That shows how well you know your kids!!
    And you’re right to be careful about who you talk to about this.
    I absolutely think it’s worth having your kids talk to someone who can look at this objectively.
    It can be a worrying thought, but often things come up that they feel ashamed to share with “Mom.”
    It’s really important for you not to feel guilty!!
    Your boys don’t need that,
    and you’ll only end up feeling miserable.
    What you did was incredibly STRONG and proves what a great mom you are!!!

  10. Tineke #11

    Wishing you all the best!
    It's good that you were able to step in early, for whatever reason.
    Hopefully, the atmosphere at home will return to how it used to be.

  11. Emma Guest #12

    Iza, Olivia, and Tineke, thanks again for your replies
    We're mostly going to do fun little things as the three of us now and, in the meantime, of course talking so they at least have nice days right now. I'm already looking into a week's holiday; the boys were really happy when I asked what they wanted. They both really want to go to Toverland, so we'll definitely do that.
    Iza: I'm not sure yet if I'm going to file a report. Deep down I really want to, so we can hopefully close this chapter, but I don't want to cause the boys any more trouble by having to tell them; they don't talk about it easily with anyone (at least not yet). Thank you.
    Olivia: That's a pity and really very sad that it also happened in your family. I hope everything is better now? It's true about the feelings of guilt, but unfortunately they're there, of course. I should have seen earlier that something could be wrong. Thank you very much for your reply and effort.
    Tineke: Thank you! And yes, hopefully the mood will come back, maybe by doing fun things again so things get better for the boys.

  12. Olivia-Anna #13

    Hi Emma!
    Your story is very close to my heart!!
    I wish I could say that everything is okay in my family again,
    but because the victims couldn't talk about it (it was already too late)
    and the feelings
    had built up, the consequences for most are permanent.
    Because the perpetrator had free rein and it was reported too late,
    we are convinced there are many more victims!
    I myself narrowly escaped someone with bad intentions
    because someone else happened to warn us that he was known to the police!!
    Without him ever having been arrested or anything like that..
    I still advise you to file a report, whether or not there is any visible evidence.
    As tempting as it may be to shake it off and move on,
    think about other children too! Including your own, it's actually better for them!
    I know what I'm talking about, give them the chance to talk to a professional
    about it. Don't wait on that!
    They deserve it.
    Children also develop feelings of guilt
    and shame, and if these aren't addressed now,
    they will haunt them for the rest of their lives!

  13. Emma Guest #14

    Olivia: Thanks again for your reply Too bad things went this way for you guys, that's really tough! I talked to my parents and they also think I should report him. I'll always give the boys the chance to talk to anyone, and we went to the doctor today just to be safe. Luckily, everything was fine and there was nothing visible (which I was a bit worried about). At least we already have an urgent referral to a child psychologist, so we do have the opportunity to go. They're now playing together with Lego, and I notice they're playing much more calmly. Tomorrow someone will come to put a different lock on the door and add two extra security clamps, which feels better since he still has a key.

  14. Olivia-Anna #15

    Hi Emma,
    Good that you can talk to someone about it,
    and also the boys.
    Nice to hear that things are calmer between them too.
    It’ll probably be a relief for them too, poor little ones.
    I think that child psychologist will be able to help you further,
    at least it’s good that they’re physically fine!
    And hopefully you can give it a place.
    Yeah, those locks... you never know what’s going on in his head now.
    Just be careful moving forward, okay..

  15. Tineke #16

    Good that you were so alert, Emma. Now it's up to you and the boys to give this a place. Hopefully, they can get in touch with the child psychologist soon. I would report him too, by the way. Hopefully, they'll do something about it. Anyway, this will then be known to the police. Those locks seem like a very good idea to me, even if it's just for your peace of mind. Wishing you all the best!

  16. Emma Guest #17

    Sorry for the late replies, I bought a last-minute week (otherwise it's too expensive ) and had to pack right away and leave the next day after the slote makers had been there. It was very cozy and the boys had a great time. They want to do it again next year .
    Olivia and Tineke, thank you again for your responses, I'm very grateful for your help . We (my parents and I) want to indicate this week and see how it goes, we've agreed on that.

  17. Tineke #18

    Top Emma!
    Wishing you lots of good vibes and heaps of fun with your boys!

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