Biechthoekje
Trouble in love paradise..
beertje2012
On my previous forum, I already vented all my frustration about money and my relationship.
Now it's been a bit more than 6 months. And in the meantime, a lot has happened.
My relationship is now shaky. Not a very nice situation, but I do see that we are both giving 100% for the kids. I feel like they don't notice. Also because they are both quite young.
And there is stability and routine for them.
Only I am falling apart. I notice it in myself as a person. I actually prefer going home when my partner isn't there.. I get more annoyed at him when he is there. Since November, I've also been in contact with someone else, which started as just friendly contact (he's an old acquaintance of mine) and has now reached a point of falling in love. I'd really like to be with him. And the fact that I have two kids isn't an issue for him. (nor for his family, by the way)
I did tell my partner about this after New Year's, which of course isn't nice to hear when your wife falls in love with someone else. But I couldn't keep it to myself either.
Now I'm stuck with this terrible choice..
What am I going to do? Do I stay for my marriage, where I don't feel comfortable right now. Because my husband doesn't share his money and other nice things with me. Letting me scrape by on the little bit I have left.. which makes me feel very undervalued as a woman. And not letting me feel his love for his life. I feel treated miserly right now. Talking about it and pointing out the changes I'd so like to see has yielded nothing so far. Also because he's often away from home in the evenings and during the day, I'm often alone and I feel like I've fled into someone else's arms.
My partner has indicated that he loves me, but then doesn't do much with that, in my opinion. He's also angry because I have feelings for someone else.
But then I still have two lovely kids of ours together. Who I'd most like to give a dad and mom who go for it together. And are always there for them. It would really make me sad if I don't see them all the time anymore
that makes it so difficult...
Or I choose the other option and that is that I choose the man who makes me very happy. And who would do everything for me. And who just accepts me as I am. But that also feels scary, because then I'd still have to throw my current comfort zone, of my house and the current division of tasks regarding the care of the kids, upside down.
I find it so difficult. Are there people who have experience with this? It wasn't intended to get feelings for someone else.. I tried not to think about him anymore. but that doesn't help.
Now it's been a bit more than 6 months. And in the meantime, a lot has happened.
My relationship is now shaky. Not a very nice situation, but I do see that we are both giving 100% for the kids. I feel like they don't notice. Also because they are both quite young.
And there is stability and routine for them.
Only I am falling apart. I notice it in myself as a person. I actually prefer going home when my partner isn't there.. I get more annoyed at him when he is there. Since November, I've also been in contact with someone else, which started as just friendly contact (he's an old acquaintance of mine) and has now reached a point of falling in love. I'd really like to be with him. And the fact that I have two kids isn't an issue for him. (nor for his family, by the way)
I did tell my partner about this after New Year's, which of course isn't nice to hear when your wife falls in love with someone else. But I couldn't keep it to myself either.
Now I'm stuck with this terrible choice..
What am I going to do? Do I stay for my marriage, where I don't feel comfortable right now. Because my husband doesn't share his money and other nice things with me. Letting me scrape by on the little bit I have left.. which makes me feel very undervalued as a woman. And not letting me feel his love for his life. I feel treated miserly right now. Talking about it and pointing out the changes I'd so like to see has yielded nothing so far. Also because he's often away from home in the evenings and during the day, I'm often alone and I feel like I've fled into someone else's arms.
My partner has indicated that he loves me, but then doesn't do much with that, in my opinion. He's also angry because I have feelings for someone else.
But then I still have two lovely kids of ours together. Who I'd most like to give a dad and mom who go for it together. And are always there for them. It would really make me sad if I don't see them all the time anymore
that makes it so difficult...Or I choose the other option and that is that I choose the man who makes me very happy. And who would do everything for me. And who just accepts me as I am. But that also feels scary, because then I'd still have to throw my current comfort zone, of my house and the current division of tasks regarding the care of the kids, upside down.
I find it so difficult.
Are there people who have experience with this? It wasn't intended to get feelings for someone else.. I tried not to think about him anymore. but that doesn't help.Replies
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jamy Guest #2
Yes, I have experience with that!
My story is similar to yours, except my ex did share everything but no longer filled my heart, and we ended up living like brother and sister. I moved on with "the other one" with my two young kids, and after 7 years together, we're now expecting a baby. It's been really tough for everyone involved, but luckily we're all doing well now!
My ex also has a lovely girlfriend, and because of my happiness, I've become a much nicer mom!
Good luck, girl, those are really tough and difficult choices! -
beertje2012 started this #3
Thanks for your reply, yes it remains difficult. I just spoke to the GGZ worker from the GP because I was really struggling. What I should do now, and she said that it's not healthy either if you work yourself to the bone and earn half as much, and then still have to cut corners to make ends meet while your partner spends generously and/or can save...
She now also wants me to focus on myself first, to learn to stand up for myself better. So that I become stronger again, because his dominant behavior has caused me to undervalue myself too easily. Because of this, my feelings for him have also faded.
I'm still wearing clothes from before the birth of my eldest daughter. And yesterday I had to top up my OV chip card with household money, because I simply had no other choice. And I got such a comment about it as if I had splurged 100 euros on myself. Instead of 10 euros on my OV chip card to pick up our daughter last minute because I had a flat tire... Things like this bother me so much now.
Sorry that I have to let off steam again, but so much has happened and I have no one to talk to about it -
nicole 1979 #4
So relatable, sis.
From experience, I know you won’t be able to change his behavior. That’s just the nature of the beast, I’m afraid.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a private message anytime. I’m now divorced and incredibly happy in a new relationship.
Keep your head up, sis! You deserve it.
And it’s not wrong to feel warmth from someone else. You deserve some love and appreciation too. -
flipje #5
Tough situation. When I read how your partner treats you, my first thought is to get out. In my opinion, your kids can't be happy/stay happy in this situation if things aren't good between dad and mom. The next thing I also think is: running into a new relationship right away isn't good either. And especially not for your kids, who will need time to process the divorce. And if I were you, I'd do that for myself first. Get some peace first, learn your boundaries, and learn to stand up for yourself before diving into the deep end with someone else, but always think about your kids first. -
Marlies #6
Before you move in with your new partner, it's important to read up on being a stepparent.
Your kids will then have a stepfather and possibly also a stepmother.
That's new for them, and the start of such a relationship is very important for the success of the relationship between stepparent and stepchild. -
beertje2012 started this #7
Thanks for your kind replies. Right now, I'm alone with my two kids. And my relationship with my 'big love' is at a super low point. My ex is putting a lot of pressure on me and isn't exactly being nice to me. It makes me sad quickly. I'm not naturally that assertive. Plus, I don't have any other place I can easily go to. No prospect of a social rental home. Not until 6 years from now. And I can't afford private rentals at the moment. My parents and family live far away, and for the first time, I feel really alone.
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