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who has advice?

16 replies

nicole 1979
Hi everyone..
I'm pregnant with my third baby, so naturally I'm very happy.
But there's something I'm really dreading.
My brother and sister-in-law are involuntarily childless.
The first two times I told them I was pregnant, it was terribly difficult.. partly because my sister-in-law finds it so incredibly hard.
She can barely handle it.. she didn't see me during my pregnancies, and with the second one, I didn't see her for 5 years..
And now...
Now I'm expecting my third child and don't want to lose contact again.

I completely understand their grief and mourning...
But I can't just put aside my wish for another child.
Pfffff, this is so hard, how am I going to handle this?

Replies

  1. madelene #2

    Maybe you can find a way to tell the brother first, calmly and privately, instead of telling both at once.
    And maybe agree to keep some distance if that makes it easier for them.
    And say that you'd rather tell them yourself than have them hear it from someone else.
    But also that you understand if they'd prefer to keep some distance.
    But personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't tell them at all.
    They'll find out indirectly anyway.
    I just couldn't bring myself to tell them.

  2. nicole 1979 started this #3

    It's hard, right...
    But I want her to know it from me, otherwise I'm afraid she'll get mad about it.
    I'm going crazy with all these thoughts.

  3. * #4

    I’d tell her and then ask her with a lovely little book if she’d like to be the godmother and keep a good watch over your upcoming baby. That way she’ll feel important, and you’ve told her yourself I read your message and thought, Miss, you might find that nice to do. By the way, it’s just an idea, so if you don’t like it, that’s fine too

  4. nicole 1979 started this #5

    That's such a beautiful idea, mamavanmi.
    It's so hard to be happy yourself while knowing you're causing someone grief...

    I'll definitely take this into consideration. Hugs

  5. * #6

    Oh wow, that feels so good and makes me really happy that you think it's a nice idea. I hope your sister-in-law can appreciate it too if you decide to use the idea, and that there won't be another 5-year gap hug

  6. Anonymous #7

    That's definitely a lovely idea, Mavanmi! In that way, your sister-in-law is indeed involved, Nicole, and maybe this brings her some small comfort. It's a pity things have to turn out this way though, it's quite intense with no contact and all I also spent years trying for our daughter, and it became increasingly painful to see pregnant women, etc. It made me sad, but I could still be happy for someone else, especially family or friends. It's also nice that not everyone has to struggle for a baby and that for some it just happens right away—that's beautiful, such good luck! I can imagine that gives it a dark edge like this. I know from another thread that your brother/sister-in-law will never become parents, and that seems very bitter to me. I can't imagine how much sorrow that must bring, but I don't think you should take your grief out on someone else. Now you feel almost guilty because you're pregnant, while that's one of the most beautiful things you can experience—that doesn't make sense, right? It's not your fault that they have so much sorrow. Maybe your brother/sister-in-law should seek help for this so they can perhaps find a place for it someday.

  7. Beertje #8

    I think the idea of being a godmother is really beautiful, so please don't get me wrong when I say this.
    There's a catch though... and it depends on how well you know her.

    When we were trying for a while without success, I was asked to be the godmother of a good friend's baby. I thought it was wonderful that she thought of me and all.
    But once that girl was born, every time I saw her, it was with a lot of love but also very painful.
    Something to consider, I think.
    It's their grieving process they have to go through and that's not very easy. Maybe they choose to stay away rather than being confronted with it and experiencing the pain. And maybe that has to be okay too, however sad, annoying and sad that is for you. You will have baby joy and they have to move on empty...

  8. nicole 1979 started this #9

    I understand all of this too, sweetheart.. but I don't want to lose my brother.. I know how much you can really need each other's heart, that's exactly the point.

  9. madelene #10

    Yeah, I agree with Beertje.
    It wasn’t meant badly by me either.
    Try to keep in mind that they’ll probably keep their distance because it’s actually best for them.
    You just can’t all deal with things or process them in the same way.
    This is probably their way of softening the pain of being childless.
    And I’d keep my distance anyway, because JK would personally feel very uncomfortable about it.
    If they were constantly confronted with my happiness, which isn’t something they have.

  10. nicole 1979 started this #11

    But Madelene, I really want to take them into account, and I do.
    But when can my feelings be there for a bit too?
    Do you understand what I mean?

  11. Anonymous #12

    I actually think you're very considerate of this, as shown by the fact that you opened this topic and are clearly really invested in it.

  12. nicole 1979 started this #13

    That's correct indeed .. thanxxxx

  13. madelene #14

    I totally get what you mean, Nicole.
    What I meant by taking it into account is
    that you let them process it in their own way.
    And hopefully, everything will work itself out in the end.

  14. nicole 1979 started this #15

    I hope so too, Madelene.
    I always hoped and thought (years ago) that if I included her, she could enjoy my kids... but it turns out it's just too heavy.. it hurts her too much. So terribly sad, you wish a pregnancy and a baby for everyone. Especially for those you love so much. Her whole life revolved around children. She used to work at a daycare, now she supports families where things aren't going so well.. or young girls with mental health issues who got pregnant out of nowhere and don't even know who the father is.. these girls live kind of behind closed doors.
    And she does it so beautifully.. She has completely specialized herself in this.
    She handles these pregnancies better. They don't come as close to her own feelings.
    She's 34 now.. and despite knowing it's not going to happen.. she still hopes every time her period is late by a day or two that she's pregnant.. and then goes through that whole emotional rollercoaster again. They've both had therapy.. it's truly a miracle that they are both so strong that their marriage is still intact.. because that means you really love each other a lot.
    It's a lot.. currently they are doing well in their own skin.. and now I know I'm picking another scab off the wound..

  15. madelene #16

    Nicole, that's terrible, girl
    It's really so sad all around.
    And of course you're already taking their feelings into account, which is clearly shown in your message.
    But I meant more like, maybe you can try to prepare them beforehand, however difficult it is to accept, before you tell them that they can go no contact, so they might have less pain for themselves.
    That way you might also have less pain yourself.
    I meant it more as help for you, so you can try to make it easier for yourself.
    And also for them.
    You're such a sweetheart, that's for sure how you're dealing with this.
    I hope you'll get through it.

  16. nicole 1979 started this #17

    Thanxx Madelene

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