Forum 3rd trimester

Tired and alone

14 replies

Mama M.Guest ·
Dear ladies,

Just to give you an idea: my husband and I already have one beautiful child. The first pregnancy was outside, 9 months of being sick, amazing! Every day my husband talks to my belly and he was really there for me. He helped well with the housework and he just kept working.

Now I'm 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant with our second child, and this is completely different. He's on unemployment and promised to help me a lot since he's home anyway. Meanwhile, he's been home for 2.5 months and has cleaned the house once, and he does bring the groceries every day. Otherwise, he does absolutely nothing except sleep and watch movies.

I've been sleeping poorly for weeks, but now I've had two nights of poor sleep due to contractions and stomach pain. Instead of letting me sleep in, he sleeps until 2 o'clock. I've brought this up with him, but he sees no reason to get up earlier.

I feel lonely and sad, and I try to do as much as I can with my little one, but I'm exhausted and really can't take it anymore. I'm so tired, and he only thinks about himself.

He also shows no interest in my belly. When I say, "Oh, feel, it's moving" or talk to him, he looks and then turns away. And the housework? Just do the dishes or something.

Sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. I love him very much, and I don't recognize him at all.

Replies

  1. Hartje #2

    I think your husband needs to take charge of himself (maybe with some help). Even though you're on unemployment benefits, that's no vacation! So just keep a normal daily routine. Is he depressed? Feeling down or whatever you want to call it?
    I'm a stay-at-home mom but I really don't have a vacation or anything, just keep the routine going and carry on. I think it's bad otherwise!

  2. Mama vanJ #3

    It's pretty relatable for me... I had that kind of man too... that's why we broke up. Is your man depressed?

  3. Mama M. started this #4

    I don't really feel like he's depressed, but that could be the case, of course.
    I've already talked to him about routine, and he says he wants more of it, but when I try to encourage him to go to bed earlier, he still ends up staying up, and I often end up going alone.
    It feels so tough because I know how he can be.

  4. Anonymous Guest #5

    Just a lazy guy, don't overdo it and think someone is immediately psychologically messed up, okay! Haha

  5. Mama vanJ #6

    Well, anonymous, nice and short again! You don't even know the person, and then to reason like that? And mom, have you already discussed it with him?

  6. Hartje #7

    Well, I find it unhealthy and immature behavior! So either lazy or something's off.

  7. Mama vanJ #8

    Yes, sweetheart, you're right! Here it was totally immature behavior. I was in a similar boat but even worse... he even whined when he didn't get his way...

  8. Mama M. started this #9

    Yeah, I've talked to him about it multiple times. It's like when I'm tired, he has to be even more tired, and when I'm in pain, he has to be in even more pain.
    I think our conversations aren't really helping either, because then he feels like he's having it worse anyway.

  9. Mama M. started this #10

    Oh wow, Mama of J. I can't believe there are people like that. Pregnancy can be so wonderful for some, but for others it's really tough. You'd expect a man to support you as much as he can, or at least try.

  10. Anonymous Guest #11

    You can say it's a bit of a stretch, but everyone has to decide that for themselves. I'm not some anonymous person trying to come here and complain, but seriously, you don't have to be sick or intellectually disabled to struggle. A healthy person can also be lazy or get stuck in a cycle of unemployment... Okay, your husband crying over certain things, I wouldn't call that normal behavior either, ha ha. But I'm just glad you're out of that situation! And for your last child, that's much better too; she/he deserves much more love than she/he's getting now!

  11. Mama vanJ #12

    Mama, your story sounds so familiar! Here too, I'm tired? He's even more tired. I hurt? He hurts even more. I put a point behind it then, but there was more to it than that. My ex also lied, and I couldn't trust him anymore. But maybe a hard question... do you still want to continue with him?

  12. Falca #13

    Yeah, it's quite possible your husband is lazy, but then you'd expect him to have been like that earlier in the relationship too. Has his behavior changed since he started receiving unemployment benefits, or is it more extreme than before? Some people can fall into a slump (or worse) when they become unemployed. I'm not saying you should just accept it. If necessary, insist he sees the doctor to rule out any physical or mental health issues. As a sign of goodwill towards you, to show he wants to make a change. Because whether he's lazy or depressed, something needs to change.

  13. Betty #14

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. And respect to your mom M.
    I think being down isn't just a quick fix either when you're on unemployment benefits. Your husband isn't doing what he likes and isn't getting any appreciation (at least not like he would in a fun job). It's very easy to just stay put and fall into a bad routine.
    Try to get him moving. Or with the help of the GP and possibly a practice support worker.
    Or make a list together of things he likes to do to get energy back.
    For example: sports, reading, taking a walk, DIY or making something, swimming, study group or volunteering.
    Doing fun things helped me enormously with a burnout and winter slump. First do things that give you energy, and once you have enough energy and are already moving, the less fun things become much easier. Plus, a future boss will always ask how he gets through his days, and you can't get away with sleeping and hanging out on the couch.
    Lots of strength and stay tough!

  14. Mama M. started this #15

    Dear ladies!
    Thanks so much for your replies!
    I'm responding a bit later because I had some contractions for a while, but unfortunately it was a false alarm.
    J.'s mom, yes, I really do want to continue with him because he's just the one for me, he has so many good qualities, but it's a logical question I've also asked myself.
    Falca, I've discussed it with him and he says he'll make an appointment every time, but he doesn't actually do it. So I've suggested we go to couples therapy together because I probably don't do things right either, and that way we can work on our relationship.
    Betty, no, he wasn't like that at all regarding the unemployment benefits, which is why I was so startled by his sudden behavior. Thanks so much for the tips, we're going to work on it!

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