Forum 3rd trimester

he doesn't want to acknowledge

10 replies

lauwtje
More than 50 times... I've really asked that question way more often than that: "Darling, when are we going to the town hall for the acknowledgment?" "Next week." "Yeah, there'll be plenty of time." "Not now, this is my only day off."

And I could list more answers like that, but I think it's clear enough. I haven't asked about it for two weeks now, and even though we've walked past the town hall several times, he doesn't bring it up. He definitely wants our daughter to have his last name though. Now I'm wondering: if he hasn't acknowledged her, but later does register her, can he then give her his name, or can he not? And would it automatically become my name then?

Because after all those times asking if he still wants to acknowledge her, and him avoiding it every time, I'm now starting to doubt him, our relationship, and whether I even want her to have his last name... I can't find much online about this, only cases where the child IS acknowledged.

Replies

  1. Amy #2

    These are the rules regarding surname choice for two unmarried heterosexual parents.

    The child automatically gets the mother's last name. If you want the child to have the father's last name, he must acknowledge the child. The choice for the child's surname is made at the time of acknowledgment. Both of you must appear in person before the civil registrar for this. Acknowledgment is possible before birth, during the birth registration, or at a later date after birth.

    So acknowledgment can also happen later than before birth. But if you want the baby to get his last name, you both have to appear in person. So you'd have to go there yourself within 3 days after giving birth. I wouldn't be happy about that myself, but it is possible.

  2. madelene #3

    Lauwtje, my midwife brought it up during my last visit.
    She asked what the baby's last name was going to be?
    I said we're married.
    Then she said, oh, okay.
    With my first daughter, we weren't married, and according to her, he had to register it with the municipality because he really wanted his last name.
    He initially thought it would happen automatically, but she said no, then the baby would automatically get the mother's last name.
    So he got it sorted out as quickly as possible.
    It could have even been sooner.
    My husband is very quick when it comes to getting things done.
    I'm always the one who's slow about sorting things out.

  3. Irma 1987 #4

    Oh, that's so sad for you to think about, proud dad.

    We got married in March 2012, so we didn't have that. Maybe you should talk to him again about why he's so lax about it.

  4. Linda #5

    My boyfriend was just as laid-back about it... We wanted to get married with a party and all, so that wouldn't work out in terms of time and money until after the baby was born. Then we planned to do a free morning registered partnership ceremony, but he kept putting it off, saying there was no spot left due to a waiting list. So we'd just do a recognition, but he didn't follow through on that either. Not because he didn't want to—in the meantime, I got a romantic marriage proposal last summer—but he just didn't seem to realize how fast time flies and that it's really important to sort this out on time. I've heard all the excuses you mentioned! And 'everyone knows I'm the father anyway?'.

    In the end, I just made an appointment for both of us and told him he had to be there at that time. Sorted! Now he has recognized the baby, she gets his last name, and the wedding is planned for the end of next year.

    Maybe you can have a serious talk with your boyfriend about it. If it turns out he does care and you can work it out together, you just take charge. We pregnant women just want things sorted out on time, while men sometimes think we'll be pregnant forever! Good luck with it!

  5. DeeDee012 #6

    That's exactly what Linda says... I've now made the appointment myself twice and told him, "Honey, come on, we have an appointment at the municipality for acknowledgment." If I have to wait for him...

    He'll probably have to acknowledge the child for the surname. Best to do that before then. Who says you can be present yourself at the declaration within 3 days?

    Leave a brochure about acknowledgment, and the consequences if he doesn't do it. It literally takes 10 minutes, and you're done...

  6. DeeDee012 #7

    No, if you're not there, she can't get his last name. Both of you have to be present for that. Recognition can sometimes still be done with written consent, but according to the Dutch government, choosing the name isn't allowed that way. You could mention this to him and then just let him take action.

    I also notice that a man's experience of pregnancy is so different from a woman's. My husband wants to come to all the important appointments and ultrasounds. But not to every check-up, and that's fine with me. I also did a lot of the baby room setup myself during the first pregnancy; I just wanted it done quickly. And yeah, men think things will just work out... I did wonder how it would be after the birth.

    Well, he changed the first diaper, took the first temperature reading, and dressed her when we left the hospital. He did say once that he only became a dad when the little one was there and before that, he couldn't quite grasp it. We feel the baby all day and have a bond. They usually don't have that yet. He's so different now compared to during the pregnancy.

    What I'm trying to say is that this can really change later on.

  7. lauwtje started this #8

    Yeah, it’s further away for the partner and I totally get that. Still, it’s pretty disappointing every time.

    He already has a kid from a previous relationship where he missed the first year (his ex left him when the little one was 2 months old). There was little to no contact during the first year, and now he sees the kid for about a weekend every 6 weeks. From my point of view, he’s fine with that because he takes very few steps to get a better arrangement, let alone initiating contact himself when he’s allowed to pick up the kid. His ex has to ask every time when it suits him. He told me how terrible his ex would be. How mean she is and how she keeps their child away from him. While I’m increasingly thinking, 'she’s crazy for calling.' He blames her for the fact that he doesn’t reach out to his ex on his own, given how much she’s put him through.

    He genuinely misses his child and does his best to have a good time when the kid is there, but I’m now taking all this into account for our own future.

    When we found out I was pregnant, he really wanted to take on a fatherly role. Not miss out on anything and not lose another child. He really wanted to be a dad.

    And that’s why it hurts extra that I now have a completely different feeling.

    So he still hasn’t taken a single step toward recognition, no matter what I say. He hasn’t bought or done anything for the baby yet. And when the baby kicks, moving my whole belly, and I say, "Sweetie, look and feel!" I get the response, "Yeah, yeah, I know how it feels, let me just look away for a sec."

    So disappointing.

    He definitely wants his last name, but do I really have to hold his hand every time and take him along? I’m becoming so hopeless.

    Today I went straight from work to the hospital because of persistent pain for several days. CTG, ultrasound, the whole nine yards. And I was alone.

    I got the answer when I got home: "Oh, good that everything was fine, nothing to worry about." And I had to take that.

    Sorry, I just needed to vent, I’ll put a point to it now haha!

    Anyway, I’m glad to hear that recognition is really needed for her to get his last name. That means he’ll have to do something first.

  8. DeeDee012 #9

    Oh, that's hard to read. Maybe you should really have a good talk with him. Sometimes men aren't real fathers or they don't do much. I really hope that's not the case with you. I hope he steps up once your little one is here.

    If he doesn't step up, you're going to have a really tough time. Not only will you be doing most of it alone, but you'll also be dealing with frustrations. I think you'll need to talk it out so he at least knows how you feel.

    Good luck!!

  9. eline28 #10

    Hi there,

    My midwife told us very early on, at week 11, that we needed to register the baby at the municipality, preferably by week 16. It was quite early, but they kept asking about it, so we did it right away.

    You can call for free after an information number; they can really tell you everything about how it all works. You can find that number on echtscheidingswinkel.nl. Good luck!

  10. Rietje #11

    Even further than just whether or not to take his last name: if he doesn’t acknowledge the baby, he’s not legally the father and therefore can’t make any official decisions about your child or be given any parental authority! So he’s really shooting himself in the foot by being so casual about it... I’d make an appointment at the town hall for a time when you know he can make it, and don’t accept any more “no’s”: this is his child too, so he has to sort things out for it!

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